If you follow me on Instagram then you can see that I have been alluding to "pain". Sometimes things happen in life that truly knock the wind out of you. I still feel the immense pain sitting on my chest, but nevertheless, life moves on. In the depths of grief, I made promises, and those promises are stronger than the pain in my chest. So, onward we go.
Healing is such an interesting game. There are so many layers and it's never ending. Everyone tells you about their "story" when they feel they have reached the other side of it, but never when they are in the thick of it. Nobody is talking about what it looks like to actively grieve and heal at the same time. It is a messy process so I understand. It is confusing so again I understand. Sometimes there are no words to describe what is happening - you just feel it and sit it in. Again, I understand. In the midst of all of this, your girl has THOUGHTS.
I write to feel better. I write to myself, the problems, my friends, the past and the future. I just write. Sometimes it makes sense sometimes it doesn't. This is me writing to ease some of the pain today.
Here are the thoughts that I am working through while in the thick of hurting:
not just sitting with myself but sitting still.
trying to figure out if I believe everything happens for a reason vs things just happen or a combination of both.
letting my teenage rage go.
my old patterns fighting my new patterns.
fighting the urge to get "even", "get it back in blood" or any need to seek my "one up" on certain things.
accepting things for what they are / the purpose they serve.
being dependable without always having to be depended on.
being mad at myself for being part of certain situations while simultaneously appreciating that version of myself for getting me thus far.
why was I being understanding when there was nothing understood?
letting past hurt/trauma get in the way now.
knowing I can be a human and not a calculated robot.
grieving but being grateful at the same time.
in awe at the heart's ability to still pump when it's broken.
why is it so hard to get out of your own head/way?
being impressed but also disgusted at how long I've allowed myself to run on fumes.
allowing boredom to get me into dumb shit.
why is admitting you need/want help so hard?
trying to figure out if I'm really as guarded/tough/hard or did situations make me this way.
not viewing sadness as a weakness when it comes to myself.
trying to make pain pretty and digestible when it is not.
This is what healing and hurting looks like.
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