I was taught to "never let them see you sweat, " which became my framework for living life. Anything that requires "emotion" is messy for me. Vulnerability has never been my strong suit; truthfully, it probably never will be.
Hyper-resilience and independence are my shield and amour. When you operate this way you do not have to worry about others disappointing you or not knowing when something goes wrong because you can handle it or do it all alone. But it is a heavy load to carry. I have always carried it well, but that doesn't mean it's not heavy. I ended up carrying things I didn't even realize I picked up. What's one more thing when you already have a million, right?
Until your body stops you dead in your tracks. Cue panic attacks and a full-on breakdown after dropping your little one off at school. Tears started leaking down my face when I tried to bring a package into UPS. I would not call this crying - I was literally just leaking tears. I am still very much unserious at all times, so I was looking around so confused because this all shocked me. I took a personal day at work because it's hard to conduct business when you can't stop the waterfalls coming down your face.
Sometimes the magic is in the mess.
Of course, in true Bee fashion, I said I was "fine" right after. I wasn't fine but I knew I no longer had the luxury of ignoring whatever was/is weighing on me. It had to be addressed.
The moral of the story - as always, listen to your body. You can't hide and heal at the same time. You can't heal if you just keep going. There is no shame in needing to regroup and reset. There is no shame in being sad, overwhelmed, tired, etc. There is no shame in needing help or asking for help. There is no shame in being vulnerable even if it is uncomfortable. There is no shame in not knowing. There is no shame in starting over. There is no shame in being or feeling like you are at rock bottom. There is no shame, so stop assigning yourself unnecessary expectations and frustration.
Life is an ever-lasting game of choices. Choose to honor yourself at all stages.
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